Frustrated

I have always felt that I was destined to do something big or be someone important. I want to make a difference in peoples' lives.

Lately, the feeling that I need to do something NOW has settled over me like a ton of bricks. I always have that feeling that you get in your chest the split second you realize you forgot to do something important and need to jump up right away and do it. And let me tell you, its not a relaxing feeling at all. I'm on edge and anxious, and I have no idea how to stop this.

I know I need to be doing something. But what? I've always said that I would go back to work full time once my kids were both in school full time, but that wont be until Quinn's in 1st grade. And even then, what will I do? I could go back to my old job, but it wont fulfill me. I didn't help people. I was just another voice on the other end of the phone, ordering appraisals on foreclosed properties.

I should have gone to nursing school when I had the chance. If I could go back in time and change any one thing about my life, I would get a degree in nursing instead of a music business degree that I will never do anything with. I cant even go to nursing school at this time because of the student loans we're still paying for my first degree, plus the fact that clinicals are all day long and I'm the one who takes the kids to and from school (the bus doesnt pick up where we live).

So here I am, chasing something unknown. Its dangling in front of me and I'm running as hard as I can on that treadmill. Getting nowhere.

I want to help people. I want a job...no, a career...that I can feel good about. I want to make a difference in peoples' lives. I want to give love and compassion and support. I just want to give, even though I have nothing tangible to give.

Chris says I am ignoring my calling. But I dont know what to do or how to do it. But I do know I will never ever feel fulfilled until I figure it out.

New season, new look

Well I decided to do something different with my hair. I tend to go darker in the fall anyways but I wanted something a little funky. So I got it dyed super dark brown with light blonde streaks. It turned out SO CUTE. I have gotten so many compliments on it! I straightened it so the streaks show up better. I wish I had a more clear shot of it though. Here's my new do:

Nothing new around here besides the boys starting school. We have Ian's kindergarten orientation and Quinn's preschool orientation tomorrow. And then Chris leaves for Tampa for 5 days on Wednesday. He wont even be here for Ian's first day of school. =(

I am looking forward to fall now. I was super sad that the summer was coming to an end, but I have come to terms with it (lol) and am now looking forward to all that fall has to offer. Apple orchard, pumpkins, the smell of the fireplace burning, crisp fall air, jackets, leaves, etc. Its what comes after fall that I really cant stand. So not ready for the white stuff yet! I also dont want to lose my tan. Waaaah. This summer has been amazing though. We had some good times and lots of family fun.

In October we will be going to Ohio to visit some relatives. Chris' grandfather isn't doing very well and they are thinking he doesn't have much longer. I'm so sad about this....Chris' grandparents are the closest thing to grandparents that I've ever had. They are my grandparents too. They are such sweet, wonderful people. We are going the weekend the kids are on Fall Break, which also happens to be Grandma & Grandpa's anniversary. It's going to be a tough trip for all of us. Chris' Dad is flying us all there so we dont have to waste all that time driving for such a short trip. *sigh*

I am officially at my pre-pregnancy weight of 155, although after yesterday & today's awesome meals I probably gained a pound or two back. That's nothing a few days at the gym & sticking to my WW points can't fix. 15 pounds until goal! =)

Well thats all for now. I'll be back when I have something more interesting to talk about. =)

Tiger Tracks 5K at the MN Zoo

I ran in a 5K this morning at the zoo. It was a chilly morning and I had to get up super early to be able to eat breakfast before heading out to the zoo. I've also been recovering from being sick. So I wasn't expecting a great experience!

The race felt tough, probably because my throat and chest were still all congested and grody. Also because there were several areas of incline throughout the trail. Half of the trail snaked through the zoo, which was awesome. When we ran by the Grizzly Bear exhibit, a huge bear was standing up against the glass (on his hind legs) watching us run by. Someone joked that he must have thought we were 'fast food'. And then when we ran through the new Africa exhibit, the Zebras and Antelope took off running along side us. It was AWESOME!

I did pretty well, even though I had to slow to a walk for about a minute once I hit the 2 mile marker. My lungs felt like they were going to burst and my mouth was super dry. But then I picked it back up, and finished #298 out of #566 with a time of 32:07. When we went to grab some water & snacks my lungs were burning. It took a while for me to feel normal again. But overall it was a wonderful experience. Ian decided he is going to run the kids 1/2 mile next year. :)

Here are a few pictures:

Our last summer hurrah

Well summer is winding down, which can be evidenced by the temps here in MN. Today will be up to 79 and sunny, so we will go swimming. The next 10 days will be upper 60's and low 70's. Just in time for school to start!

I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be for both my babies to be in school. Luckily they will be in school at the same time (afternoons) so I will have a couple hours to myself. Not sure what I'll do, but I'm sure I will figure something out.

It doesn't look like we will be going to Memphis in September after all since the kids have school. Maybe we will go in October when they are on fall break. I don't know how I just 'forgot' that from now on we have school schedules to work around. No more up and leaving on a vacation whenever we want.

I ordered the kids' Halloween costumes!! Ian is going to be Luigi and Quinn is going to be Mario. I got them last week but Ian's was too small so I had to send it back for a bigger one. But they are going to be SO CUTE! And I may not even need a new costume this year...I still have my Princess Peach costume from a few years ago. Maybe Chris could be Toad. haha

I have a few races coming up. I am running the Tiger Tracks 5K at the zoo this Saturday, then another 5K at the Renaissance Festival in September, and then a 10K in October. Hopefully I will be ready for it by then. I am up to running 4 miles now and will work on making it to 5 throughout September, and then hopefully be up to 6.5 by October 24th! I'm not racing to win because as far as running goes I am super slow. I chalk it up to having very short legs and sometimes being clumsy. I trip over my own feet sometimes, so running any faster than I do now just screams 'disaster!' I usually run 3 miles in 32 minutes...so about a 10.40 mile. I would love to get my 3 miles under 30 minutes but I really have a hard time keeping speed. Ah well...for me the speed doesn't really matter...its just getting it done that matters. :)

I am down to 155 and feeling wonderful! I am starting to feel like myself again. I am horribly self-conscious of my appearance so I can tell that the smaller I get, and more toned I get, the better my mood is and the better I feel about myself. I'm still doing my Weight Watchers plan and exercising as much as I can get my butt to the gym! Its going well and I am very happy. I've just got to get into shape for next summer so I can wear a bikini in Fiji. I've mentioned to Chris more than once about trying for another baby next fall (after our big trip!) and I think its making him nervous. The freedom we have right now with both boys being so independant (and potty trained!) is wonderful and we're both scared about starting over with a newborn. But I just cant explain it...I all of the sudden just want to have more kids. 2 more, probably. What is wrong with me!? This isn't like me! I've always been so certain I only wanted 2. I think my priorities are changing the older I get. I dont really care much for going out and stuff anymore. I just want to be a mom. And I REALLY want to have a house full of kids...laughter, love, and lots of noise! Chris wants me to do another surrogacy next fall...to give us some time to really be sure if we want more kids, I think. I do like that idea, but I became so emotionally invested in Melissa & Brian and their girls that it just feels a little weird to consider doing it all again for someone else. I also feel like I am 4 for 3, as far as delivering 4 healthy babies so far in 3 healthy pregnancies... so I wonder if I really want to push it...to push my luck. Surely its almost 'my turn' for something bad to happen, statistically speaking. They say 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so that scares me for the next time. My mom beat that statistic though...she had 4 pregnancies that resulted in 4 healthy kids...but some of her pregnancies were tough and troublesome.

*sigh*

I have plenty of time to make whatever decision I am going to make. If I do another surrogacy I will definitely do it before having another child of my own. That is, if I decide to be pregnant again at all. Getting back into shape after babies is hard! ;)

Ok so, enough about that. That was just me rambling about something that confuses the crap out of me right now. I have no idea what I want to do, or when I want to do it...if I even want to do anything. I think I should work on being a better Mom to the kids I do have before I think about having more.

Which means right now I need to go play Mario Party 8 with a certain 5 year old who is sitting here asking every 2 minutes "Are you done yet? Are you done typing?"

Mid-August already!?

Hi Chantel! *wave*

Well it's already mid-August. It seems like summer has come and gone, with not much to show for it. I mean, I do have a nice tan as far as I'm concerned. We've spent lots of time at the pool at our gym. My boys have really picked up this swimming thing! I guess their lessons were money well spent. Ian just takes off on his own as soon as we get to the pool. Quinn likes to go under water (with goggles on) and jump off the edge into the deep water and swim back to the side. He can't swim as well as Ian yet, but he's doing pretty well for a 3 year old. He refuses to wear a life-jacket, which used to make me nervous...but it seems that he knows his limits. Plus I dont take my eyes off of him. Ian, on the other hand, disppears into the crowd to make new friends and go down the big waterslides. He comes to find me occasionally to check in and show me a new friend he made. I will be sad when the outdoor pool is closed, but at least the indoor pool has waterslides as well. But its much smaller. :(

My garden is growing like crazy! I've already made some decisions about next year. I am going to grow corn next year, and I am going to plant several bell pepper plants. I have 2 green bell pepper plants and I eat them so often that I'm having to wait a week in between harvests. I make fajitas with them, and also chop them up in my spaghetti sauce. I have more tomatoes than I know what to do with though. Roma, Big Boy, and Cherry. Now that they are turning red I can finally start making my own tomato sauce instead of using canned stuff. I LOVE having a garden! I cant wait to expand it next year. I am going to double the size of my garden...maybe even more.

My diet has been going well. I am into the 150's now. 158 to be exact! I have lost 7 pounds since starting WW last month. I hope to be down to 155 by the end of August. I've been sticking to my points pretty religiously, and getting in some good exercise a few times a week. I also just applied for a part time position at the gym, being a front desk person. Basically I would smile and greet everyone and scan their membership cards. Also answer questions about their accounts and stuff. I'm totally over qualified for it, since most people in this position are in high school. But once I get my foot in the door I intend on moving up and taking on more responsibility. So we'll see if they call me in for an interview. I'm just bored being at home all the time. I would only be able to work in the evenings & weekends, but they are 24 hours so that shouldn't be a big deal.

Next month we are driving down to Memphis for a couple days, then down to Madison MS for a few days to visit my Dad. Its a 13 hour drive to Memphis, then another 5 to Madison. Its a good thing we all love road trips! I cant wait. We will be staying with our friend Wayne. He just bought a big beautiful house so we are excited to see it. Looks like we will have to go the first week of September because BOTH BOYS START SCHOOL the 2nd week!!

Ian starts Kindergarten on Sept 9th and Quinn starts preschool on Sept 16th. I cant believe it. My babies are going to be in school! They will both love it...and they will learn a lot. They are both going to excellent schools as well so I know they will get a top notch education. I am excited to be in the PTO and volunteer at the Ian's school. I'm going to be a total soccer mom! :)

Well, I just wanted to update real quick while I had a few spare moments. Things have been busy around here! But I love it. :)

Who's out there?

So, my readers, I see that my blog gets decent traffic. So come out and introduce yourselves! Be seen and heard! :)

I am enjoying a lovely Saturday evening with the hubs. The kids are in bed, we're watching a movie, and my good friend 'vodka' is joining us for the evening. Vodka and sugar free koolaid, to be precise. The Koolaid is free and vodka is 1 point per shot. I have plenty of points left for today. I wont spend them all on alcohol though. I have a tasty ice cream treat waiting for me in the freezer. ;)

Tomorrow we are all going to a friends' son's birthday party at Chuck E cheese. Hopefully I can stop at one greasy piece of pizza. Good thing they have a salad bar too! :)

Nothing much to report. My weight was up a pound, but I have stuck to my points religiously. I only used flex points once, and only used 16 total. So, I'm not too worried yet. I will be super happy to be back in the 150s though. Hopefully I will have good news for my next journal entry. :)

Hellooooo 160!

Down to 160! I am not going to weigh-in again until Friday. I would think I would be into the 150's by then. Even 159 would be amaaaaazing. :)

I'm so close to my pre-pregnancy weight of 155, but still have my pre-surrogacy goal of 140. Yes, I gained 15 pounds while cycling. The meds and injections made me eat all the time...LOL. I cant wait to wear my old clothes again! I have this one pair of brightly colored orange/yellow/red plaid shorts that are a size 8 and they are super short. They are my absolute favorite shorts and I desperately want to wear them this summer!! If I fit back into them I will post a picture of me wearing them. :)

I have a nice long run in my future today. I'm hoping I can really push myself and complete 3.5 or maybe even 4 miles. I have a lot of other things to do today as well so I had better wrap this up.

No more diapers!

Quinn is officially potty trained!!! We started last Thursday (my birthday!) because we were down to 2 diapers and just wanted to jump right in. That day Quinn held his pee ALL DAY. That evening while I was in the kitchen, he snuck off where I couldn't see him and wet his pants. We put him in a pull-up that night, and he woke up dry the next morning. He wore undies all day Friday and went on the toilet several times. Went to bed in undies, woke up dry. Rinse and repeat. He has only had one accident in the past week! I havent had to clean up pee or wash pee-sheets at all! It's amaaaaazing. And I am SO happy. No more nasty diapers. Hallelujiah!

He had to be potty trained before he starts preschool in the fall. So now we're good to go. We can even take him out places and he tells us when he needs to go to the restroom. Ahh...this is the life!

In non-potty news, I am going to run the Tiger Tracks 5K at the MN zoo on Aug 29th. Half of the run snakes through the zoo. I think I'm hooked now. There's nothing like that feeling when you cross the finish line. It doesn't matter if you're not in the top 10/20/100 whatever...its just an amazing sense of accomplishment to FINISH it. I had a friend ask me if I was going to try to accomplish a 10K in the future and I just dont know about that. Maybe when the day comes when running 3.2 miles is easy for me, I will consider training for a 10K. But I seriously doubt I will ever go past that. A half-marathon or full marathon isn't in the cards for me...LOL. I was invited to run a half-marathon in Las Vegas this December as part of a fundraiser for the Chron's & Colitis foundation. But a half marathon is 13 something miles...and...uh, just no. I will stick with local 5K runs, thanks. I like the commemorative T-shirts too. My Torchlight T-shirt is really nice. :)

I did my WW weigh in this morning and I lost a pound. It's not much, but its better than nothing! And certainly better than gaining! If I can just break back into the 150's within the next few weeks I will be excited. I'm so close, I can taste it! I'm so proud of myself for actually being committed to this diet & exercise routine I'm on. My sister bought some Leann Chin chinese food last night and I resisted the temptation. I wouldn't even take a bite because I knew I would want more. So there's some progress! 24 pounds to go to get back to my surro-twins weight of 140. CAN.NOT.WAIT.

I did it!

I ran my first 5K last night! It was a fun run, so they didn't rank anyone except the first few people or so. I ran the 5K (3.2 miles) in 31.33. Not awesome, but very good for me!! Chris & the boys and my sister Kalynn were there at the finish line waiting for me. Then we went to celebrate at my favorite place, Psycho Suzi's Motor Lounge. I tried to behave and had a salad, but I think it was probably one of those salads thats not very good for you. It was a Greek Alta salad (mixed greens) and had a vinaigrette dressing, black olives, tomatoes, feta & mozzarella, and these crispy onion straws on top. Very yum! I also had one piece of supreme pizza. =x But I hadn't eaten that many of my Weight Watchers points yesterday so I only ended up using about 6 of my flex points. Not bad!

Yes, I have decided to do Weight Watchers, although unofficially. Everyone I know who has been serious about WW has done very well on the program. Along with that, I am running 3 miles a day on M,W,F and then doing Yoga on T,Th,Sat. I was doing a Dance Jam class on Sunday nights but I haven't been in a while. I just like to relax on Sundays so its hard for me to get out of the house for a 7:30pm class.

Anyways, here are some pictures from the 5K last night. It was the Life Time Fitness Torchlight 5K. Life Time Fitness is the gym we belong to. =)

July 1st

Happy July! This is myt birthday month, so naturally we celebrate the whole month. ;) I will be 28 this year and it doesn't really bother me at all. People get older, kids grow up, life changes. You can either spend all your time worrying about the inevitable or you can enjoy the life you have been given. I choose to enjoy it.

Well, both my babies will be in school this fall. Ian will be in kindergarten and Quinn will be in preschool. Both are only 2.5 hours a day, so we can all ease into the transition peacefully. Quinn has to be pottytrained by the time school starts, and he is so.not.interested. Cleaning up human waste (or any waste, for that matter) off the floor and out of underwear is NOT my idea of a fun time. Once his current pack of diapers runs out, he's going to have to start cooperating with the toilet. Anyways...

So this is the last summer of Ian's 'babyhood'. He will officially be a student...a school-aged child. This makes me a little sad, but mostly excited for him. He is going to love school. He is such a friendly guy, and he's soooo funny. He will probably end up being the class clown, so I guess I should expect conduct notices to be sent home.

My sister should be arriving into town this afternoon. Her and her boyfriend are driving from Washington. She will be staying with us for a month. I cant wait to see her. I've got to get the house cleaned up real good since she has never seen our new house. She will even have her own bedroom...no more sleeping on the futon like she did at our old house!

I am doing ok with losing the baby weight from the twins. I have gotten to this one point where my weight is just hovering at the same spot, no matter what I do. I've been running 3 miles, 3 times a week, and watching my diet. When I was out of town this past weekend (went to Mississippi to visit my Dad) I ate a lot of good food. So that was a minor setback. My body shape hasn't recovered yet though. My hips are still a bit wider than they should be and I have more smooshy belly fat. Ordinarily at this particular weight, I would wear one size smaller than I do now. So that's how I am gauging it. But I'm not too worried about it. The girls are 3 months old. I've got time to get back to normal! I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and the weight will come off, my body will tighten and strengthen. I'm at 164 and my first goal is 150. Then back to 140...which is where I am happy.

Speaking of the twins, they are doing fabulous! I haven't seen any new pictures in a while, but their dad says they haven't gotten them off the camera yet. I'm not surprised...they are admittedly bad about that! I bet they have changed so much! Their mama went back to work a couple weeks ago...I bet that is both hard and a welcome break for her! It still seems like my whole pregnancy and delivery of the girls was a dream. It happened so quickly, and it was wonderful...and then it was over. But being their surrogate was still the neatest thing I've ever done. :)

I must now take the boys to their swimming lessons. My little boys are turning into little fishies!

A quiz for Ian

This little quiz has been going around the internet recently so I decided I would play along. These are questions that I asked Ian:

1. What is something mom always says to you?
To be good.

2. What makes mom happy?
When I'm nice to my brother.

3. What makes mom sad?
When I'm being bad.

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
Tickling my belly!

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Bigger. (lol)

6. How old is your mom?
2-7 (wow he got it right!)

7. How tall is your mom?
6-0-0 (uh...)

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Sit down. (LOL)

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Sit down and listen to music.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Being good. (but Ian, most famous people aren't good people!)

11. What is your mom really good at?
Pooping (eh?) I told him to be serious and he said "laughing"

12. What is your mom not very good at?
He cant answer this one. (good boy!)

13. What does your mom do for a job?
Helping people.

14.What is your mom's favorite food?
Everything (Ok so he thinks I'm a cow)

15.What makes you proud of your mom?
Being nice.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Little Bill (Very confused on the gender & skin color, apparently)

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Play with games.

18. How are you and your mom the same?
We're both silly.

19. How are you and your mom different?
Babies.

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Because she gives me kisses and hugs.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
Because you always like daddy.

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Chuck E Cheese's...can I have a cookie now?

New lens came today!

These were all shot with my new 50mm f/1.8 lens. It does not autofocus on the D40 so obviously I need some practice getting the focus correct. These are the first shots with the new lens...I hope to improve!

Funny Face Day!

While taking pictures of the boys, they both ended up giving me funny faces. So I ran with it. LOL

Pictures

Ian, eating his lunch.


Quinn, sitting in timeout.

Photography

So I've decided to change this blog from a neglected personal blog to a functional photography blog. I do not claim to be a photographer by any means. Just a mom with a nice camera who wants to learn how to take decent pictures of her kids.

Here is the equipment I have:

Nikon D40

18-55mm kit kens

55-200mm Nikkor zoom lens

50mm f/1.8 lens (hasn't arrived yet)

SB-400 Nikon speedlight

Wireless remote

Tripod

-Adobe Photoshop CS3

-Adobe Lightroom 2.1

I just got the speedlight in the mail today and have taken a few photos with it. Its amazing how much better the pictures look when the flash is bounced off of the ceiling instead of straight ahead.

Here are a few pictures of my boys from today. Keep in mind this is my first attempt!