Who am I going to be today?

Every day I have this internal battle with myself, which ultimately comes down to: Who am I going to be today? Am I going to be the fun, outgoing, confident Jen or the insecure, sad, dramatic Jen?

The first Jen doesn't exist much these days. I hate that I tie my confidence and self worth to the way I look. I feel enormous, clumsy, unattractive, and uncomfortable. I don't know why I feel this way with this pregnancy. I didn't feel this way at all when I was pregnant with the twins, but I think thats because my personal feelings were overshadowed by my feelings of carrying those babies for the parents who were waiting for them. I felt stronger emotionally with that surrogate pregnancy, and I feel sad, weak, and pathetic with my own.

I hope to start feeling like the REAL me in 5-6 weeks once this little guy is born. I'm really miserable.

Making some progress

Well I have a few shows booked for Aug/Sept which makes me happy. I hope I can get at least one or two bookings from each show for October so I can pick back up once I'm healed from delivery. Still frustrated that some people just don't respond when you message them. Most people responded with yes, I'd love to but I'm busy right now but some people just ignored my message. Rude!

Anyways, I have a 3D/4D ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow. I can't wait to see what this little guy looks like! I suppose I'd find out for sure in 6-7 weeks anyways, but I'm somewhat impatient! ;)

I went to Zumba for the first time in months last night and it was tough! I think I did pretty good...I did every song except the one I missed when I had to leave and go pee in the middle of the hour. LOL! I thought I would be hurting today but I feel ok. Just general, full body discomfort which I attribute more towards being 8 months pregnant than going to Zumba last night.

I really can't wait to be done with this pregnancy! I can't wait to work out HARDCORE again and feel strong again. I miss my muscle tone, my smaller body, my energy level. And of course I can't wait to have Arin here in my arms! :)

Here's a picture from a few days ago. Its my 8 month belly pic:



Not too much longer!

I did it!

I have completed my CNA course and clinicals, now I just have the state exam to take this Friday. I'm not worried about it too much because I did very well in the course. And then I will be a 'certified nursing assistant'!! Not sure when I will officially look for a job, but I do have contacts at the children's hospitals around here that might help me get my foot in the door.

I am also now a Lia Sophia advisor! I bit the bullet and signed up. I am excited and ready to get going but am experiencing some resistance from my friends when I ask for a couple of them to host a show to get me started. I don't understand why I am being met with this reception...I go out of my way to do things for others so I thought my 'friends' would be willing to help me start my business. The host isn't even required to buy anything, just get some friends together and let me present the gorgeous high quality jewelry! If I can't get a couple shows booked for August, then my business is doomed and dead before it even got started. Really hoping someone steps up, helps their friend, and gets me going.

Until then, I am going to work as hard as I can at this until the baby is born. I'm 8 months now...it feels weird to say "I am going to have a baby next month!" LOL. I want to get the ball rolling before baby comes so I can take a few weeks off after his birth, and then pick up strong when I'm ready to.

The kids are excited to start back to school next month, Ian in 2nd grade and Quinn in kindergarten. :) They have enjoyed a lazy summer, although it has either been super hot (too hot to play outside) or rainy so they haven't gotten much outside time. I've also been so busy that we haven't been able to go do many fun things. I hope I can make it up to them.

Well I will hopefully continue to blog my adventure into lia sophia jewelry. I love the products so much, and when you are passionate about something, you succeed in it! Ready to make things happen!

Making decisions scares me

I've been wanting to pursue a nursing degree for YEARS. If I had done it back when I first wanted to, I would probably have my master's degree and be a nurse anesthetist. I already had a couple years under me at the college I went to, and instead of transferring to the nursing school I decided to keep going with the program I was in. Which was a terrible idea because Music Business isn't such a booming industry these days.

So after all this time, and watching some of my friends living MY dream and becoming nurses, I have taken the first step and registered for a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) course this summer. This will be my first step, to get this certification, and then once I secure a job at a local hospital I can likely get tuition reimbursed for me to get a nursing degree. I already have a Bachelor's degree so hopefully I can skip a bunch of Gen-Ed courses. 2 year degree nurses make as much as 4 year degree nurses, so I am going to go with the Associate Nursing degree. Someday. For now, I'm going to just get through the CNA course this summer! (while pregnant!)

Also, I went to a Lia Sophia jewelry party recently and just fell in love with the products. I am seriously considering becoming a consultant for them. I have a very large network of friends and think I could make a decent income. And if I don't make much, it will still be super fun. I don't think NOW is the time for me to jump into it though...it might have to wait until the first of the year. I am very excited about it!

So, just a couple decisions I recently made, which scare me just to think about them. Its good for me to do things that scare me though, as I tend to let my life get into a rut sometimes. The timing is awkward since I am pregnant but I guess there's no time like the present!

Random Thought

Sometimes I wish I had a sign on my body/clothing that says "I love and support the LBGT community!"

We were eating at Cici's Pizza the other evening, and there was a younger gay couple in the booth in front of ours. One of the young men went to refill his drink and was walking back to the booth and caught me looking at him. He smiled quickly and sat down, and then I felt awkward because he probably thought I was staring at him, judging him, when I was just thinking about how years from now, when the civil rights movement for the LBGT community is victorious and they have all the rights as the rest of us, I can be proud that I have been a supporter the WHOLE time.

One thing I am passionate about (besides helping others) is the gay rights movement. I don't really know many gay people, either. I'm not one of those people who has a close gay friend and entered the fight in their honor...I'm just a happily married heterosexual female who believes all adults should be able to marry the one they love.

I'm also a Christian who sins plenty myself, so if people want to say this will cost me my salvation, then at least I'll go out being true to myself and having love for my fellow person, and without hate in my heart. (which sounds like what we as Christians are supposed to do anyways)

Update

I have not been a very good blogger, have I?

Well I am now 20 weeks pregnant with my THIRD son! Yep, that's right, another boy! I guess that's what we're good at. :) As I sit here typing, I feel him wiggling around in my belly and I can't wait to be able to hold him for the first time.

We had gotten rid of all of our baby stuff, so I bought a new travel system that includes a stroller and infant car seat. Now I need one of those pack-n-play things with a built in bassinet for the first few months when he'll be rooming in with Chris and I. And then when its crib time, I don't even know where we are going to put him since my sister is still living with us and has our 4th bedroom. We finished our basement this winter and there's a bedroom down there, but Chris is using it as his office....plus I don't want to move any of my kids down there until they are older. And my sister can't use the new bedroom because she has cats in her room that have destroyed the carpet under the door. There's NO WAY they are allowed to be downstairs in the basement on the new carpet. So, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I've got a decent amount of cute newborn boy clothes. The Gymboree I used to work at had an after hours "shop the stockroom" sale and I got some great deals on things for this upcoming fall. Plus some of my coworkers have bought me some little onesies and outfits here and there. We'll be well prepared once he arrives, I'm sure. :)

Here we go again!

Chris and I are expecting baby #3! My due date is September 30th. We had only been trying for one month, so we were incredibly surprised that it worked so quickly. We would love to have a little girl this time, but another boy would still be a blessing. We haven't told the boys yet. I think we'll wait a while and then I will try to come up with a fun, creative way to tell them. I will have to make sure that they understand that this time its OUR baby, and not somebody else's.

Chris and I have already decided on a girl name...LOL. Of course, we won't be telling anyone until the baby is born. And by then we may change our minds anyways. And if its another boy, we will need a name that goes well with Ian and Quinn.

I don't know when I will have my first doctor's appointment. They usually don't want to see you until you are 8 or so weeks along. That is a long time away considering I am only 3w3d. I got my first positive test only 6DPO, a darker one on 7DPO, and a very obvious digital "Pregnant" on 8DPO. I don't think Chris really believed it until he saw the digital test results. But now he's happy and excited. We are going to have to buy all new baby stuff since we got rid of everything previously. We thought we were done with 2 kids so we got rid of everything. We are starting over, no matter if this baby is a girl or a boy. Baby shopping is fun though and I cant wait!