Frustrated

I have always felt that I was destined to do something big or be someone important. I want to make a difference in peoples' lives.

Lately, the feeling that I need to do something NOW has settled over me like a ton of bricks. I always have that feeling that you get in your chest the split second you realize you forgot to do something important and need to jump up right away and do it. And let me tell you, its not a relaxing feeling at all. I'm on edge and anxious, and I have no idea how to stop this.

I know I need to be doing something. But what? I've always said that I would go back to work full time once my kids were both in school full time, but that wont be until Quinn's in 1st grade. And even then, what will I do? I could go back to my old job, but it wont fulfill me. I didn't help people. I was just another voice on the other end of the phone, ordering appraisals on foreclosed properties.

I should have gone to nursing school when I had the chance. If I could go back in time and change any one thing about my life, I would get a degree in nursing instead of a music business degree that I will never do anything with. I cant even go to nursing school at this time because of the student loans we're still paying for my first degree, plus the fact that clinicals are all day long and I'm the one who takes the kids to and from school (the bus doesnt pick up where we live).

So here I am, chasing something unknown. Its dangling in front of me and I'm running as hard as I can on that treadmill. Getting nowhere.

I want to help people. I want a job...no, a career...that I can feel good about. I want to make a difference in peoples' lives. I want to give love and compassion and support. I just want to give, even though I have nothing tangible to give.

Chris says I am ignoring my calling. But I dont know what to do or how to do it. But I do know I will never ever feel fulfilled until I figure it out.